RAVENLOONATIK.COM

This was the email I received approximately 16 hours after I served the Ex with court documents, in Edmonton, enforcing an access order she was not adhering to.

Quite honestly, I was quite and thoroughly taken aback by the Ex’s words… Now, anyone who actually knows the whole story to date concerning the Ex and my “relationship”, will read the following email and wonder exactly what kind of crack she was smoking/ ingesting that would constitute this kind of email.

** NOTE ** Keep in mind we haven’t been together for about 5 years now, and I’m remarried 6 months now (For the record, only names and emails were changed, the rest in it’s entirety is what was received.)
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From: The Ex Wife [mailto:noclue@isp.ca]
Sent: Saturday, December 17, 2005 1:02 PM
To: Raven
Subject: moving on
Importance: High

Raven

I’m very flattered you’re continuing to involve me with your new life, you must really love me and miss me. However, Honey you really need to find the courage to move on without me.

You must spend a lot of time thinking up new ways to keep me involved and it must come to an end as there is no future for us. I don’t imagine your new wife is thrilled about you focusing so much attention on me and all the time it takes away from her and your new family.

It pains me to tell you to please find the courage to move on as we cannot continue this relationship. I wish you and your new family all the best in the future.

Love, hugs and kisses

Ex Wife
—
Ex Wife
noclue@isp.ca
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
** E-Mail Disclaimer ** (Found in the “About” me section of this website)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

I went through several stages after reading this…
1) Shock
2) Bewilderment
3) Hilarity
4) Back to Bewilderment
5) Acceptance that she’s now a Crackhead on top of everything else

I guess the Ex-Wife was hoping I was at work that day, and hoped that Lil’ Minx would read it before I did, and freak on me.
See… I have a wondrous relationship with Lil’ Minx, total and utter honesty. No lies, No secrets. So when I received the email I called Minx down to look at it. All she had to say was “Is she completely stupid?”
That’s when I laughed too.

So with that in mind, I thought I’d submit to the Ex-Wife something she should add to her personal ads about herself; she might get a few more ‘hits’ than she has been getting:
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NEW ADDITION TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS

ELEMENT NAME: SHELLIUM
SYMBOL: SF
ATOMIC WEIGHT: (Don’t even go there… LOL)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. VERY bitter if not used well. Melts well… NEVER!

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
Not active. HIGHLY UNSTABLE. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb GREAT amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to any better specimen.

USAGE:
Highly Ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

CAUTION:
Highly explosive in untested hands!
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Maybe I should contact NASA with my findings… I could get rich!

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Ahhh the love one feels over Xmas is just over whelming like a hole in the head.

So I receive this harmless email from the Ex-Wife about a month and a half before Xmas:

*** Please Note ***
Real names and email addresses have been changed to protect the Humor Impaired or the Sarcastically Disadvantaged (or by the incurably stupid with a chip on their shoulder)

________________________________________
From: The Ex-Wife [mailto:noclue@shaw.ca]
Sent: Sunday, November 13, 2005 9:22 PM
To: Ex’s Sister; Ex’s Out-Laws; Me; My Parents
Subject: Christmas List

Hi, this is Son and Daughter’s christmas list.In joy.

The Ex Wife
noclue@isp.ca

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Now, I contained the animal inside to send back a reply with the words: Learn to friggin SPELL, or use the spellchecker!

But I wrote this instead: This is the email that spawned the Xmas from hell…seemed harmless enough.

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From: Me
To: “The Ex-Wife”; “Ex’s Sister”; “Ex Out-Laws”; “My Parents”
Sent: Sunday, November 27, 2005 11:40 PM
Subject: RE: Christmas List

We (Minx & I + her family) bought the following for the kids for Xmas:

Son:
$50.00 Future Shop Gift Certificate
Transformer Jet Fire (from his list)
Bionicle Gameboy Game

Daughter:
Fur Real Pet Scamps (From her list)
Pixel Chix (From her list)
Harry Potter Gameboy Game

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I thought I was just being considerate and letting the others know what was purchased here in Calgary, so the kids don’t receive double gifts. See, its much more fun when kids get all different gifts.
I get the following reply from the Ex’s Sister, I dub her “No-Clue 2”

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From: Ex’s Sister [mailto:noclue2@isp.ca]
Sent: Tuesday, December 06, 2005 11:44 AM
To: Raven
Subject: Re: Christmas List

Raven, I am sure whatever your newest victim (I believe that you call her your wife Minx) buys your kids will not be anything close to what we (Hubby & I + real family) buy them. If you are so worried about getting the same thing you need to be smart enough to keep the receipts. I only wrote you back to let you know I NEVER want to see your e-mail address tainting my computer again, my only exception is if Minx wants to hear the truth about you and your little ways for your extra life on the side of marriage.

~No Clue 2~

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Wow, what the hell caused that reply you ask?? As near as I can figure, No Clue 2 doesn’t know what the Reply�and�Reply�All symbol stands for. That would be plus.
So, after being slightly stunned to silence, I compose a little ditty to reply to the nefarious No Clue 2:

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—– Original Message —–
From: Raven
To: “No Clue 2″
Sent: Tuesday, December 06, 2005 3:27 PM
Subject: RE: Christmas List

Dear ~No Clue 2~,
I could care less about what you or your family thinks, nor am I worried about buying dual gifts for Son & Daughter. I do keep receipts.

I “Replied to All” with what we purchased for the kids, for the consideration of ALL the people the original email was sent. The word is “consideration”. It means thoughtfulness. The only thing you have proven, is how you perceive a thoughtful, concise email reply into a personal attack.
Again, it’s not all about you, it’s about the children.
It’s definitely amusing to see that spitefulness and sheer malice runs deep in your family and the inability to be civil one another for the sake of my kids. It’s a shame to see an Aunt who should be being a guide to her niece and nephew, being so petty and infantile.

I have never in the past emailed you, nor do I have any desire to email you in the future, so you have no fear of receiving further emails, provided you keep your redundant and inappropriate opinions to yourself.
As for never seeing my emails in the future, I suggest that you add my email address to your blocked senders list.
I would also suggest you ask your family, to learn how the Bcc function works in email if you wish to remain anonymous in future emails.

With regards with my wife Minx, she has more kindness, thoughtfulness and compassion towards her step-children in her little finger, than you demonstrate with your attitude and tone here in your email.

With that in mind, Minx and I would like to wish you and your family Happy Holidays and best wishes in the coming New Year!

Raven & Minx

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Truth be told, I had hoped not to hear back from the Ditz but apparently my overwhelming wit and psychological know-how got her to reply and what a doosy…err Dolt.

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From: Ex’s Sister [mailto:noclue2@isp.ca]
Sent: Thursday, December 08, 2005 7:26 PM
To: Raven
Subject: Re: Christmas List

Raven, I did not know that I had to worry about your name appearing on my e-mail screen, otherwise I would have blocked you 3years ago (which by the way it is now, so anything you have to say to me can be said to MY face anytime you would like- I would quite enjoy that - and NOT through “Ex-Wife” or the kids).

First off I want to tell you how insulting your original e-mail was in regards to your kids; (Minx, you + family). I am glad to see that your definition of family no longer includes your kids, it’s not like you were really ever there for them when you all were a family (always out for coffee, playing pool and “extra” activities). The kids never received from you what they needed in a father: constructive positive encouragement, structure or participation in a day to day routine. Your interaction with the kids has always been based on when you are willing to give them some of your time, how willing you feel, if you can try to portray yourself in a good image to others (this one has not fooled too many people as we have found out by talking to some of your ex-acquaintances) or if you can get something out of the situation. All your e-mail intended to do is bait one of us into responding, so congratulations, I could not control myself and I did just what you wanted (if you kept receipts then you need not e-mail).

I am glad to see that you own a dictionary and could look up the words “considerate” & “thoughtfulness”. I have known you since I was 10year old, so cut the BS because in all those years I have only seen you be considerate or thoughtful to one person and that is yourself, numero uno!! As for civility, malice, petty, infantile & spiteful I think you need to keep reading that dictionary. My family and I have never and will never tell lies about you, call you names or talk ill about you in front of the kids; however I know that you can not say the same.

I have many more things I could say about me being the kid’s Aunty verses you being their father, but the one thing I do want to say to you is that I love those two with my whole heart and would not hurt them for the world, I would especially not use them as pawns in a twisted plot to exact some sort of revenge you seem to feel was done to you (I don’t know why you are revengeful, after all it was you that cheated, clean out all the money & racked up all the bills leaving your family high and dry).

I never intended anything towards Minx, other than my condolences for marring you.

I would like to end my e-mail by letting you know that I am not as asinine or hypocritical as you; I only use pleasantries such as holiday greetings for those I respect. That said I will end my letter which is befitting from me to you.. :(P

No Clue 2
(with a cute little mouth with a tongue sticking out in a raspberry fashion)

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(For the record, only names and emails were changed, the rest in it’s entirety is what was received.)

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Absolutely smashing reply No Clue 2 !!

Wow, that took you two days to compose a reply? Why?
Did it take you a day to look everything up in the dictionary? Maybe it was trying to figure out the proper way of spelling big words like “Marrying” and the proper grammatical use of “I don’t know why you are revengeful”.

What the hell is that?

I used to type emails in caps like yours, but then I decided that I didn’t want a job mixing concrete or being a lifeguard.

Maybe if you weren’t such an insecure dumbass, you’d have spent the time you pissed away becoming a lifeguard–you know, that thing nobody in the real world cares about–learning how to read (and write) instead so that you don’t end up bagging my groceries after you graduate with your 1.2 GPA (rounded off nicely with that C you got in Home Economics) in Roman Catholic School.

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