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*** wishes that “mafia wars” would get into a turf war with “farm town” and all the mobsters and farmers would kill each other so I wouldn’t have to get anymore invites to fake shoot people or to grow some virtual celery.

*** says WITHOUT GOD…our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday, Shatterday. Seven days without God …makes one weak!!

*** wonders why they say you’re “sporting” wood. It’s not a sport; it’s a skill….

*** WARNING.. I am a Professional. I must insist that no one attempt too or recreate any status or activity seen on my facebook, serious injury could occur when trying to think of new daily messages.

*** is thinking when life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumarate, Yellow 5, Tocopherol and less that 2% Natural Flavors….then make lemonade!

*** without me you are just aweso…

*** is thinking why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

*** is wondering if vampires can’t cast a reflection in a mirror,why does their hair always look so f@#king nice?

*** has figured out hitchhikers don’t find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

*** was eating at Hooters, and started thinking. If they had door-to-door delivery, would they change their name to Knockers…

*** thinks that with all the spam he gets abot penis enlargement, isn’t about time they invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead?!

*** has just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is completely invisible

*** hang on, I was a bit premature there, still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself

*** says sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom

*** says Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words

*** is thinking once you start down that dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny. At least; that’s what Yoda says. I’m still testing the theory…

*** promises we’ll always stay close friends but ultimately settle for periodic glances at each other’s Facebook status updates

*** Today, my friend from work was saying how her ‘nano’ died. I quickly responded by saying “So? recharge it.” Turns out she didn’t say ‘nano’, she said ‘nana’. damn hearing loss….

*** The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal

*** says if it wasn’t for the last minute, I wouldn’t get anything done!

*** running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant “S” written on his Chest Yelling “This Looks Like a Job for…”

*** says show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat Minor

*** at the time of michael jackson’s death, the doctor looked at his watched and reported that “the big hand was touching the little hand”…

***  is thinking cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

*** “No comment” is a comment… isn’t it?

*** thinks some people are about as useful as a wiper blade on a goats ass

*** here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

*** has decided that a mans nipples are just for decoration

*** wonders if transsexual guys ambition is to only eat, drink, and be Mary

*** sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the eff was going on when I first saw it.

*** says life isnt a garden… so stop being a hoe

*** wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they’d wonder, “What the hell is wrong with that guy?”

*** two guys came knocking at my door once and said: “We want to talk to you about Jesus.” I said: “Oh, no, what’s he done now?”

*** thinks it’s funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes

*** is just dropped Smarties in the toilet and flushed……. it was like a 10 second Nascar race

*** A note left for a pianist from his wife. “Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”

*** says Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Giggle hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they’ll leave you alone

*** is so manly not even his sentences have periods

*** Atheism is a non-prophet organization

*** is off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of prescription medication

*** has realized that going to McDonalds for a salad has the temptation equivalent of going to a brothel for a hug

*** says if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty

*** remembers when “google” was a word used to describe the eyes on pom-pom critters back in Elementary school!

*** is wondering if its cool for people in China to get English word tattoos

*** The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again

*** This is a test of the facebook emergency notification system. Had this been an actual emergency, the entire message would have been in capital letters and you would have been directed to post this as your status message immediately. This is only a test.

*** should shout “You Lie!” in a Catholic church just to see what happens…

*** says wow… so thats why you don’t put metal in the microwave

*** is just heard about the scientist that wants to rename the planet Uranus because it’s rude. It’s true, Google it! I reckon that’s a damn good idea…let’s call it Urectum instead

*** Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year

*** How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes

*** just realized that if you change the word “wand” to “wang” in the Harry Potter books, suddenly the books become a lot more interesting

*** Have you ever wondered if the Loonies in your pocket were ever in a stripper butt?….You’re wondering now!!

is going to help fight continental drift.
is stamping out, eliminating and abolishing redundancy!
fought the lawn and the lawn won.
knows it all. I just can’t remember it all at once.
lives in his own little world, but it’s OK — they know me here.
suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.
trys to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.
is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
is not an actor, but I play one on TV.
has had fun before. This isn’t it.
is wondering if less means more, then think how much more, would more be?
can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
says if things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
lives vicariously… through himself.
once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.
’s reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
is the most interesting man in the world.
can speak French in Russian..
, my friends, is indeed…. THAT man.
’s charm is so contagious that a vaccine was created for it.
’s legend precedes him, like lightning precedes thunder.
was asked by Alien abductors to have him probe them
is a lover not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter so don’t get any ideas.
has noticed that friends are scarce, when not on Facebook

I heard that goldfish grow to the size of their environment. (bowl) Since hearing this I have stopped wearing underwear

has calculated that half of his Facebook friends are below average

didn’t say it was your fault… I’m just blaming you…
is going around telling people that you’re really 46

1. Daniel is at two with nature

2. Daniel can’t listen to that much Wagner. Daniel starts getting the urge to conquer Poland.

3. Daniel doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work… Daniel wants to achieve it through not dying.

4. Daniel places his boss under a pedestal.

5. Daniel took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes… Daniel concluded, it involves Russia.

6. Daniel is astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Calgary

7. Daniel is hoping the Goddess would give him some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in his name in a Swiss bank.

8. Daniel is pondering that life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon.

9. Daniel is sure that money is better than poverty… if only for financial reasons.

10. Daniel is quoting the bible: “The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

Daniel … the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter.

Daniel wonders if he swallowed his pride… would get phat??

Daniel�wrote on your wall. Now you need to repaint your wall.

Daniel�joined the group �kill all small furry and cute animals�. Remove Daniel as friend?

Daniel�monitors your every status change vehemently. He even knows what that word means.

Daniel�sent you a gift on FaceBook that didn�t cost him a penny. Doesn�t that destroy the main idea of a gift?

Daniel�changed his profile picture. Now he looks a little less ugly.

Daniel�wrote on your funwall �your no fun�.

Daniel�added the �Are You Interested in a Stalker� application

Daniel�commented on his photo �you are amazing�

Daniel�is staring at his facebook waiting for messages to arrive.

Daniel is busy with Jedi business, go back to your drinks.

Is asking those who believe in psychokinesis to raise his hand.
Has almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.
Is wondering about the speed of dark?
Is wondering how do you tell when you�re out of invisible ink?

Is trying to support bacteria - they�re the only culture some people have.
Is thinking that hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Is sure he has a photographic memory. He just doesn�t have film.
Is using his Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Is intending to live forever - so far, so good.
Is thinking to join the army - join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Is dancing - Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Is asking who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Just got scared half to death twice
used to have an open mind but his brains kept falling out.
couldn�t repair your brakes, so he made your horn louder.
Is getting x-rayed - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Is eating toast- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Is itching - The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Is researching a paper - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
Is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Daniel is a sauvignon with a perfume of pi�a coladas, an overly sweet riesling and a chardonnay so oaky it tasted as if it had been aged in a box of No. 2 pencils

Daniel is running with scissors… makes me feel dangerous!

Daniel has too much blood in his caffeine system

These are some hilarious facebook statuses from O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Daniel�is gonna pick up the pieces and retie the knot, mixaphorically speaking

Daniel�is gonna lead us all in a rousing chorus of �You Are My Sunshine.�

Daniel�is the only one that remains unaffiliated
Daniel�is a Dapper Dan man!
Daniel�is the only daddy you got! the damn paterfamilias!

Daniel�is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man
Daniel�is going to make hermit crabs live together
Daniel�is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery
(From�Jon Stewart)
Daniel�is learning to stop worrying and love the bomb ����(From Dr. Strangelove)
Daniel�is gunter glieben glauchen globen ��(From Def Leppard)
Daniel�is… therefore he thinks

Daniel�Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people

Daniel�is getting time-off for good behavior
Daniel�asks that you quote him as saying he was misquoted
Daniel�has 20/20 hearing!
Daniel�says, Oh no! Not another learning experience!
Daniel�says, These aren�t the droids we�re looking for
Daniel�wishes you a Happy New Now!
Daniel�says, wake me up when it�s time to go to sleep
Daniel�is carving watermelons on Halloween
Daniel�is eating pasta with chopsticks
Daniel�s favorite color is Vanna White
Daniel�is sorry he missed you. Stand still next time
Daniel�is out of his mind, but feel free to leave a message
Daniel�is wondering, is your coffee table decaf?
Daniel�is dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange
Daniel�is wondering if he hops in the shower, is he turning into a rabbit?
Daniel is thinking of a number between 1 and 10
Daniel is shiny���� (From Firefly)
Daniel is kekekekeke ��(From Ellen Degeneres)
Daniel is all your base are belong to us. ����(AYBABTU from gamer culture)
Daniel�is run Forest, run! ������(From Forest Gump)
Daniel�is sleeping because he�s not nocturnal
Daniel�is training to withstand sleep deprivation torture
Daniel�is wondering when they invented the word neologism� what did they call it?
Daniel�is showing his colleagues your profile and they�re all laughing at your picture
Daniel�is pulling weeds is like getting a 98% on a test and then getting chewed out for the 2% you missed� ���(Thanks to Alex K.)

Daniel�has logically deduced, absolute knowledge corrupts absolutely, therefore he is giving up studying and sleeping

Daniel�is presenting his thesis on �E=MC3: That�s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!�

Daniel�is being interviewed on his new novel �Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?�

Daniel�is gathering research for his essay, �Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car�

Daniel�is wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, �Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino�

Daniel�is pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim �Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called �Kraft Cheese & Macaroni��
Daniel�is reviewing extensive analysis on the topic �There Sure Are A Lot of �Smiths� In The Phone Book, Dude�
Daniel�is a bit disappointed he didn�t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book �Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks�

Daniel�is doing scientific research on �Gravity: The Devil�s Tool�