*** says WITHOUT GOD…our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday, Shatterday. Seven days without God …makes one weak!!

*** wonders why they say you’re “sporting” wood. It’s not a sport; it’s a skill….

*** WARNING.. I am a Professional. I must insist that no one attempt too or recreate any status or activity seen on my facebook, serious injury could occur when trying to think of new daily messages.

*** is thinking when life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumarate, Yellow 5, Tocopherol and less that 2% Natural Flavors….then make lemonade!

*** without me you are just aweso…

*** is thinking why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

*** is wondering if vampires can’t cast a reflection in a mirror,why does their hair always look so f@#king nice?

*** has figured out hitchhikers don’t find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

*** was eating at Hooters, and started thinking. If they had door-to-door delivery, would they change their name to Knockers…

*** thinks that with all the spam he gets abot penis enlargement, isn’t about time they invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead?!

*** has just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is completely invisible

*** hang on, I was a bit premature there, still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself

*** says sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom

*** says Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words

*** is thinking once you start down that dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny. At least; that’s what Yoda says. I’m still testing the theory…

*** promises we’ll always stay close friends but ultimately settle for periodic glances at each other’s Facebook status updates

*** Today, my friend from work was saying how her ‘nano’ died. I quickly responded by saying “So? recharge it.” Turns out she didn’t say ‘nano’, she said ‘nana’. damn hearing loss….

*** The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal

*** says if it wasn’t for the last minute, I wouldn’t get anything done!

*** running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant “S” written on his Chest Yelling “This Looks Like a Job for…”

*** says show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat Minor

*** at the time of michael jackson’s death, the doctor looked at his watched and reported that “the big hand was touching the little hand”…

***  is thinking cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

*** “No comment” is a comment… isn’t it?

*** thinks some people are about as useful as a wiper blade on a goats ass

*** here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

*** has decided that a mans nipples are just for decoration

*** wonders if transsexual guys ambition is to only eat, drink, and be Mary

*** sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the eff was going on when I first saw it.

*** says life isnt a garden… so stop being a hoe

*** wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they’d wonder, “What the hell is wrong with that guy?”

*** two guys came knocking at my door once and said: “We want to talk to you about Jesus.” I said: “Oh, no, what’s he done now?”

*** thinks it’s funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes

*** is just dropped Smarties in the toilet and flushed……. it was like a 10 second Nascar race

*** A note left for a pianist from his wife. “Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”

*** says Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Giggle hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they’ll leave you alone

*** is so manly not even his sentences have periods

*** Atheism is a non-prophet organization

*** is off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of prescription medication

*** has realized that going to McDonalds for a salad has the temptation equivalent of going to a brothel for a hug

*** says if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty

*** remembers when “google” was a word used to describe the eyes on pom-pom critters back in Elementary school!

*** is wondering if its cool for people in China to get English word tattoos

*** The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again

*** This is a test of the facebook emergency notification system. Had this been an actual emergency, the entire message would have been in capital letters and you would have been directed to post this as your status message immediately. This is only a test.

*** should shout “You Lie!” in a Catholic church just to see what happens…

*** says wow… so thats why you don’t put metal in the microwave

*** is just heard about the scientist that wants to rename the planet Uranus because it’s rude. It’s true, Google it! I reckon that’s a damn good idea…let’s call it Urectum instead

*** Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year

*** How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes

*** just realized that if you change the word “wand” to “wang” in the Harry Potter books, suddenly the books become a lot more interesting

*** Have you ever wondered if the Loonies in your pocket were ever in a stripper butt?….You’re wondering now!!

I heard that goldfish grow to the size of their environment. (bowl) Since hearing this I have stopped wearing underwear

has calculated that half of his Facebook friends are below average

didn’t say it was your fault… I’m just blaming you…
is going around telling people that you’re really 46

This woman comes in and explains that she bought a package of three (brand name) green fuzzy tennis balls a few months ago, but lost her receipt (big surprise) and wanted her money back.

I ask her politely “Why are you trying to return them?”

She replies “She smell horrid… there is this putrid smell emanating from these balls! Here, ssmell them yourself”

I smelled the tennis balls and reply; “Ma’am… they smell like tennis balls.”

I’m currently biting my (bloody) tongue at this point… I respond:

“Ma’am… Without a proof of purchase it is store policy to only exchange for the exact product and we no longer issure store credit vouchers.”

“Well I don’t want these balls… I want my money back”

“Ma’am, as I already explained, I can only exchange them for the exact same product when you cannot produce a receipt or proof of purchase”

She replies (very indignant): “Well I guess I have no choice then. I guess I’ll exchange them then”

I call sporting goods and ask them to bring up another package of three tennis balls. They do so and when he arrives, I open the package and smell the new tennis balls. Of course they smell exactly the same as the ones she’s exchanging them for. I tell the customer this and she applies her so sensitive nose to the new balls and replies:

“SEE!!! These balls smell less sweaty.”

I reply, “Whatever Ma’am” (I secretly switched the original Tennis balls she intended to exchange and the newer tennis ball package) “Please smell all three of these to make sure you find them acceptable before you leave”

She smelled the balls (the exact tennis balls she said offended her nasal passages) and informs me that these are MUCH better and leaves “satisfied”.

1) Can you fucking believe such stupidity?

2) Can you believe she actually fell for the original switcheroo?

3) The definition of “Swalls” is Sweaty Balls

_______________________________________________________

1)  ”Excuse me… Do you work here?”

My usual response is: “Yes. What can I do for you?” but when I have had to field 20-40 of these requests over a period of 10 hours of putting up with rude, inconsiderate and (for the majority of the customers) completely moronic customers, I will usually let fly one or two of the following replies:

(Keep in mind I’m ALWAYS wearing a corporation issued collared black shirt with a very large Team logo on one side and 1″x3″ big Gold name tag on the other side of my chest)

****   “No… I’m just a huge fan and like hanging out here for 9-10 hours a day. What can I help you with?“

****   “Yes… and all I get at the end of the day is this cool shirt, neck tie and name tag. What can I do for you?“

2)  ”Hey there!… Quick Question for ya…”

My usual response is: “Sure, what can I do for you.” Buuuut, when we generally help an average of 300-450 customers in a usual shift and the majority of them approach me with this opening line, I start getting cranky after the 200th time and respond with the following (sarcastic) replies:

****  ”I’m sorry Sir/Ma’am… there is no such thing, but I’ll listen anyway heheheh.”

****   “Quick answer for ya…. No.”

3)  ”Hey there!… Can I ask a stupid question?”

My usual response is: “Of course!” Listen people… DON’T say this. It makes you look even more stupid to the person you ask this to.

You could use these retorts:

****   “Can I answer it while sucking on helium?”

****   “Would you believe we sell a meter for that?”

****   “Sorry… I’ve reached the maximum daily limit for those at 8:30 this morning and we opened at 8:00am.”

Feel free to add your one liner openers for more snappy or extremely sarcastic retorts.

Wrong. Unbeknownst to many, those of us who ARE retail employees — who may have found ourselves in retail-related circumstances owing to
unfavorable divorce settlements, unexpected widowings, or Mumsie and Father’s inability to pay our tuition — are in direct communication with the great and mighty Retail Gods. The Retail Gods are very, very angry. They, and we, realize that the so-called Decline in Customer Service can be DIRECTLY attributed to idolatry — namely, the notion that The Almighty Customer is a god in his or her own right, and therefore may behave in any damn-fool destructive, rude, careless, stupid, ignorant or abusive way he or she sees fit.

It goes without saying that you get what you give, and if you are cheerful and kind and willing to work with us, we’ll fawn all over you. But, tragically, customers have ceased to pay attention to the Ten Retail Customer Commandments. In fact, most customers have no idea that these Commandments exist at all. So, for everyone’s edification, here they are. (Your faithful scriptural scholar is donning his Consecrated Asbestos Suit against the inevitable flames from people with exaggerated senses of entitlement.)

1. Thou shalt not fancy thyself a God, to have no other Gods held above thee.

You have money. We want it. This does not mean that we are obligated to have our time wasted by you. You are not entitled to be a dick. You are not the be-all and end-all. Sorry if this hurts your feelings, but if you make a nuisance of yourself you deserve what you get.
“A nuisance” is a pretty broad definition, I realize, but here are some examples: deciding you don’t want those air fresheners after all, and stashing them behind the toilet paper. Allowing your offspring to destroy everything in sight. Exorcising your PMS demons on a helpless employee,over an issue with which the employee has nothing to do with. Coming to us with questions along the lines of “I want this car part. I don’t remember what it’s called, or who makes it, or what it does, or when I saw it, but it was about this big and had a blue cover,” and threatening to call Corporate when we can’t help you. And so on.

2. Thou shalt not make Graven Images in an attempt to fake us out.

Xeroxed coupons, phony receipts, counterfeit bills, expired this, issued-by-our-competitor that. We are not obligated to take your Graven Images, and don’t you DARE give us a hard time when we refuse.

2a. Thou shalt, however, pay much heed to the Graven Images with which the Retail Gods choose to surround you, lest you tick us off most severely.

Yeah. You know how there are signs in stores? Please read them. Please. Chances are, you won’t even NEED to interact with that nasty employee at all, if you just read the damn signs. Wanna know where the restroom is? Look for the sign that says “Restrooms”! Wanna know what the store’s Hours of Operation are (as per the Fourth Commandment)? They’re posted right on the fuckin’ door. These Graven Images are not there for decoration.

3. Thou shall not utter blasphemy in the presence of the Retail Gods, for this is naughty in Their sight.

If the phrase “The customer is always right” ever escapes your lips, we assume that you are not only WRONG, but festering, bloodless, rigor mortis-having DEAD wrong. You may whine and minge and yell and stomp your little feet until the poor employee caves in just to get you the hell out of his face, but you’re probably fucking wrong anyway.
Example: You want an item. An employee informs you that the store is out of said item. What do you do? If you demand that the employee produce
the item anyway, because The Customer Is Always Right, you are in clear violation of the Third Retail Customer Commandment. Likewise, if you invoke the dread phrase after you have tried to finagle Free Shit to which you are not entitled (see the Sixth Commandment, below,) may the Gods strike you down where you stand.

4. Remember thy Hours of Operation, and keep them holy.

There’s an Asshole Customer urban legend which claims that if you are in the store, even if the store is closed, we are STILL obligated
to wait on you hand and foot. This is a pernicious lie. If we say we’re closed… if we have made seven or eight PA announcements to the effect that we are closed…
WE’RE CLOSED. We now have to get down to the business of cleaning up after you, so please note the time the store opens in the morning and get the hell out.

5. Honor thy Return Policy, that its days may be long upon the earth, and that we don’t get exasperated and take it away from you.

Need a receipt for a return? Keep your receipt. Is there a time limit for a refund? Remember what it is, and behave accordingly. This isn’t fucking rocket science,
people. Also: unless a product is defective, we CANNOT take it back unless it is in saleable condition. If the kitty barfed on it, if it looks like it’s been trodden on by an exceptionally hefty horse, if you purchased it in 1996 and it is faded, covered with pills, and the elbows have gone all baggy, don’t even think about trying
to return it. This is tantamount to attempting to finagle Free Shit to which you are not entitled. (Again, see the Sixth Commandment.)

6. Thou shalt not Kill thy Retail Establishment’s Profit Margin by attempting to finagle Free Shit to which you are not entitled.

You stubbed your toe on a display. You think an employee looked at you funny. An item won’t scan the first time the cashier swipes it. Someone else stuck a 50% Off sticker on an item, in an attempt to finagle Free Shit to which they were not entitled, and said item fell into your hands next. What do you do?
If your first reaction to any of these calamities is something like “Hot DOG! Maybe I can get Free Shit!” you are in clear violation of this most grave and pointed of Commandments.
Now, well may you wonder.. “Hey! What do I care about this faceless megacorp’s profit margin?” You shouldn’t, of course. However, the more money we lose
on people trying to scam Free Shit, the more likely we are to hike prices, cut employee hours and hours of operation, and subject you to even less fawning service than that to which you have become accustomed.
If you try to weasel the price down, or get Free Shit, every time you are confronted by a retail transaction, you should know that you are DIRECTLY responsible for higher prices and the presence of harried employees. Retail establishments are not ego-stroke emporiums, nor are they charities. They’re in it to make a buck, just like you. If you go out of your way to avoid paying for the goods and services these establishments offer, you’re only cornholing yourself (and everyone else) in the long run.
A note on haggling, extrapolated from the original text of the Sixth Commandment: Haggling works at yard sales, at thrift stores, at swap meets, and
sometimes at mom-n-pop joints with which you have a years-long relationship. It does not work anywhere else. Sidling up to the Parts Counter at your local Canadian Tire
and telling the Parts Guy “Hey… I’ll buy these brake pads, and this can of brake clean, IF you give me the battery charger for free,” DOES NOT WORK. The
parts guy doesn’t stand to gain anything by giving merchandise away — he or she STILL takes home the same paltry check they would otherwise. If the employee acquiesces, and gets caught, they could even be fired. So don’t you DARE give us a hard time if the Parts person won’t knuckle under to your bullying.
Sometimes the Retail Gods do deign to give you Free Shit, in the form of Special Promotions. Pay heed to said Special Promotions… and if they require a coupon, BRING THE COUPON.

7. Thou shalt not threaten Retail Adultery in the service of violating the Sixth Commandment.

Does our competitor have the same item for cheaper? Great! Go there! Some Retail Establishments pricematch. Most do not. If the Retail Establishment you are patronizing doesn’t pricematch, you’re wasting your breath.

8. Thou shalt not Steal.

If you shoplift, you’re a pathetic fucking loser who needs to wake up and realize that you’re not in seventh grade anymore.

9. Thou shalt not bear False Witness against thy Employee.

Did I politely tell you that we are out of the item you wanted? Did you then call back, ask for my supervisor, and tell her that I “cursed at you” and “hung up on you”? If so, you are Bearing False Witness, and you deserve to be strung up by your toenails.
Don’t fucking LIE. Don’t call us up and tell us that some mythical other employee told you that you get to take home our entire inventory for free. If we tell you how it is, don’t accuse US of lying either, as this also constitutes Bearing False Witness and is just plain shitty to boot.
Example:
Asshole Customer: “I’ve had this item for a year and I’ve driven over it with my Expedition, oh, five, six times. Can I return it?”
Employee: “No, sorry, that’s against company policy.”
Asshole Customer: “You’re a LIAR! I KNOW you can take this back! LIAR! Get me your manager!”
Um. We underwent many interminable hours of training so as to absorb all the company policy the Retail Gods care to shove at us. We KNOW what the return
policy is. We KNOW we can’t get you stuff that isn’t on the premises, at least not immediately. We KNOW we can’t give you a discount for no reason.
Do not Bear False Witness against us!
There is a special place in Retail Hell for people who Bear False Witness by crying racism.
Example the second:
[banging on locked door, employee pokes head out]
“I’m sorry, we closed at 9 and it’s 9:45 now. We open at 8 AM tomorrow–”
“What?! You’re just not helping me because I’m [insert ethnicity here]! You’re a RACIST!”

10. Thou shalt not covet thy Employee’s Free Time, nor his/her Discount, nor his/her Secondary Sexual Characteristics, nor anything else that belongs to thy
Employee.

If you see a store employee, in civvies, bereft of nametag, skulking out of the store and obviously trying not to be noticed, he or she is probably heading home for the day or going to lunch. Do not insist that he or she help you. You may be entertaining some romanticized notion that if they took their job seriously, they’d help you even though they are off the clock and not getting paid. Fuck you. You may work on your lunch break, but dammit, we don’t get paid enough. Leave us alone.
Also: if you use the employee’s company discount (usually provided as a bargaining chip to keep us from giving up and quitting in disgust) as collateral in some kind of sick psychological warfare, you deserve NOTHING. (”Hey, uh, give me your discount and I won’t tell your boss you called me an asshole.” “But I didn’t call you a –” “Nuh-uh-uh! Discount!”)
Also: the employee is not there for your titillation. S/he is not there to be ogled, groped, or leered at. Do not hit on him/her. Leave him/her alone and let him/her do his/her job. Okay?

That is all, but I think you will agree it is enough. For those for really know me… this won’t be the last rant

2. Daniel can’t listen to that much Wagner. Daniel starts getting the urge to conquer Poland.

3. Daniel doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work… Daniel wants to achieve it through not dying.

4. Daniel places his boss under a pedestal.

5. Daniel took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes… Daniel concluded, it involves Russia.

6. Daniel is astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Calgary

7. Daniel is hoping the Goddess would give him some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in his name in a Swiss bank.

8. Daniel is pondering that life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon.

9. Daniel is sure that money is better than poverty… if only for financial reasons.

10. Daniel is quoting the bible: “The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

I heard your breathing across the room.
Is death going to take you?
It’s way too soon.
I saw the pain in your beautiful eyes, and if I could ease it,
I would surely try.
I saw the slowness, in your once strong step
Please Cassie, lay down and try to rest.
I saw the pleading in your tired, tired face
Can you go to a safer place?
I feel the confusion, that you must feel
Oh Dear Goddess, is this pain really real?
If you could lay down and just go to sleep
The pain is gone now and you have final peace.

We may have only known each other less than a week, but please know that your “Mum” and “Dad” fell in love with you the second we saw you and we never stopped loving you.
Your sisters, Gypsy, Chelsea and Leah; your grandparents Pat and Jim; your Aunt and Uncle Sheila and Ben hardly got to know you, but they all loved you; the same as you loved them… unconditionally.

The doctors and assistants who supported and cared for you in your sickness, watched over you day and night not because they had to, but because they truly cared and loved you.

You left tiny sweet puppyprints upon all of our hearts.

We will all miss you terribly Cassie,

Cassie Ferr
Born July 25, 2008 - September 25, 2008

Daniel sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.

Daniel�thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque.

Daniel�childproofed his house, but they still get in.

Daniel�is still hot. It just comes in flashes.

Daniel thinks at his age, “getting lucky” means finding his van in the parking lot.

Daniel’s reality cheque just bounced.

Daniel is not 41. I’m $40.95 plus tax.

Daniel is not a snob. I’m just better than you are.
Daniel says keep staring….I may do a trick.
Daniel is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.
Daniel thinks his wife washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word “exercise”.

2. I like to call this my Crowded Room Theory. Take a room of any size and start inserting people into it. At some point the room will become noticably warmer with every person shoved in. Now imagine that the earth is a room and we have over 6 billion people in it. that is compared to just under 2 billion in 1900. We more than tripled how crowded the room was in about 100 years. Could body heat be the culprit behind global warming.

3. Milk bottlers put a chemical in the milt to make it go sour after a few days to ensure that people are constantly buying their product. The government lets this happen because the states get sales tax on every sale.

Yes, they are a little Kooky, but so am I.

Daniel wonders if he swallowed his pride… would get phat??

Daniel�wrote on your wall. Now you need to repaint your wall.

Daniel�joined the group �kill all small furry and cute animals�. Remove Daniel as friend?

Daniel�monitors your every status change vehemently. He even knows what that word means.

Daniel�sent you a gift on FaceBook that didn�t cost him a penny. Doesn�t that destroy the main idea of a gift?

Daniel�changed his profile picture. Now he looks a little less ugly.

Daniel�wrote on your funwall �your no fun�.

Daniel�added the �Are You Interested in a Stalker� application

Daniel�commented on his photo �you are amazing�

Daniel�is staring at his facebook waiting for messages to arrive.

Daniel is busy with Jedi business, go back to your drinks.