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Whenever I go in there to buy a simple cup of coffee, they expect me to participate in the “Starbucks Experience”. To make matters worse, if I order my coffee “wrong”, I get corrected by some minimum-wage-twit who couldn’t articulate their way home.

They don’t sell their coffees in Small, Medium or Large. NOOOOO! They have some pretentious bullshit names like Tall (which is small), Grande and Venti. WTF? Venti is not even a word – it is a Starbucks word – look closely at the menu, they have the word Venti trademarked! They made up the f*cking word! Then they train their staff to not respond to normal words like, “I would like a small cup of coffee.”

They ask me, “You mean a Tall?”

Let me see – I’m looking at three cups: a short one, a medium one and a tall one. I don’t want the tall one, I didn’t bring that much money – I want the short f*cker! Read my f*cking lips: IT IS NOT TALL, IT IS SHORT! Goddamn – no wonder the poor bastards who work at Starbucks are dyslexic.

I can see it now… guys, let’s use the Starbucks method for sizing up our cocks. Here, some poor guy has the shortest one, but we will call it the Long cock. Then someone with a medium-sized cock is now Mondo and the guy with the big honker gets to call it Bando. That’s right - Buncko. I made up that word and you have to use it or I will ignore you. And every woman/man can take pleasure in knowing that her/his man is at least Long.

What exactly is up with these other Starbuck code words, like “With Room” or “Extra Shot”? How f*cking pretentious is that?
I even notice Starbucks Snobs in line practicing their order so they can whiz through all the special vernacular so…are you ready for this… they can order a cup of coffee.

Gads… Just head to your nearest Tim Hortons and have a real coffee (Crack-in-a-cup… as Kevin puts it)

The bottom 3 on Wednesday night’s results show was truly shocking. Not that anyone was exceptional the night before, but Bucky, who should have been gone weeks ago, was not even in the bottom 3.
Yet somehow, my favorite Katharine McPhee, who’s rendition of Christina’s “The Voice Within”, was fantastic (in my opinion) but still good and better than Bucky on his best day — somehow ended up in not only the bottom 3, but the bottom 2.

How Ace managed to get more votes than Katharine with his nearly horrid rendition of Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” I’m not quite sure (though I have an inkling it was the scar).

But all is well in the world now, as when Lisa Tucker and Katharine McPhee stood side by side and Ryan Seacrest read off who was going home, the Goddess had some mercy on the human race and the name he read was Lisa Tucker’s. Which was highly exciting and a big relief at first.

Then she began to sing “Because of You” again. (I thankfully missed the first one)
And of course it was apparentley just as horrid as it was the night before.

So there lies a little relief in the fact that I won’t have to hear Lisa Tucker’s lazy Doris Day vibrato anymore, but I do have to, unfortunately, watch Bucky toss the microphone from hand to hand and sport a cowboy hat for another week, murdering yet another great song. (Lisa was heads above Buck-Tooth)

Speaking of this Bucky guy? Can someone bring me the hair clippers and a razor?
Bucky needs some shampoo and someone to show him how to shave the pubescent facial hair he is attempting to grow.
While we’re at it, will someone please boot-stomp this redneck idiot and the whole population of Arkansas… PLEASE? I swear, this knob must have half the southern states voting for this pin-head. If I wanted to hear more from this knob, I’d travel down to the local trash bar (Ranchmans) and listen to someone who sounds JUST LIKE HIM, probably better.

Here’s to hoping the contestants pick better songs next week and that Ace doesn’t try to slip in any more strip shows.

My next rant is going to be on that Grey Haired knob (Taylor Hicks)

So I go to this site… Face Recognition to Celebrity Software

So there I run this picture (One of my better ones and the results were a bit shocking to me:

They run the photo through a ‘celebrity’ database and the pictures shown are by percentage of facial match…
Eyes, nose, lips, jaw structure, hairline etc…

So the ‘matches’ in order are:
Johnny Depp (That explains a few things that ‘Lil Minx says)
Kevin Costner (Actually I can definitely see the resemblance here)
Matthew Fox (Don’t know who he is)
Billy Boyd (One of the Hobbits)
Antonio Sabato Jr (Looks like a soap Opera Star)
James Marsters (Well, right hairstyle and Hairline anyway)

And even the bitchy Doctor himself…. Deforest Kelly
Stay tuned… I’ll be doing ‘Lil Minx and XmUx very soon and posting the results!

There is a new Photo Album in the Galleries under Funny Pics. I’ll be dropping new photos there…

I just read this on a fellow Opera blogger’s site: Laughed my ass off….
http://my.opera.com/jonimueller/blog/Joni Mueller

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

Went to the doctor today. I have strep throat. Awesome.
This has got to be the twenty second time I’ve had strep throat. That’s just fuckin ducky.

The best part about strepthroat isn’t the neck that is so sore you can’t hold your head up. It’s not the glands so tender that washing your neck in the shower is a pain- literally. It’s not even the fact that your throat is so swollen that you can’t cough up all the spent mucous properly so you end up gagging on it after it has formed a massive wad that is threatening to kill you.
It is the fact that they treat it, generally, with one of three pills; pennicillin, ampicillin, amoxicillin.
The problem with the “cillin” family is that they come in the form of the WORLD’S LARGEST FUCKING PILLS EVER. So it works out well.
You have the worst sore throat you can imagine having and then you have to swallow pills that you probably couldn’t swallow whole on your best day.

IT’S TITS I TELL YA.

I’m sorry, I know I’ve been absent minded lately and not blogging, but I have to comment on the Oscars.
This is surprising because
a) I didn’t watch them, and
b) I think I had seen ONE of the nominees (”Harry Potter”).

I also haven’t read a lot of blogs about them, so excuse me if this sentiment is shared by a lot of people.
When I was a kid, I had always seen a majority of the nominated films. I was lucky to live in a movie-loving family, and unlucky to not be invited to parties or do drugs or have sex like the normal kids were doing, so I spent a lot of time at the movies, forming opinions, crossing my fingers for my favorites, and staying up late on a school night to watch the awards.
I don’t know if it’s because I don’t watch commercials anymore, but I barely had even heard of most of the nominees.
Granted, the movies that I did see weren’t exactly of the highest caliber (”Saw 2,” “Rent,” “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”), I really had no desire to see many of the others out there. And now that I see the nominees, I think I’m glad I didn’t waste my money. I had enough buyers remorse after watching “Rent,” or as I like to call it, “Why Some Theater Actors Should Not Be Seen On Film Ever.”

Does it seem to everyone else that every single film nominated for Best Picture was an agenda film? Racism Bad, Homosexuals Are Good at Sex, Homosexuals Are Good At Writing, Terrorism Bad, and I Have No Idea What “Good Night, And Good Luck” is About, But It Is Grammatically Incorrect to Have a Comma There.
Why does Hollywood think it’s its job to teach America values?
Whatever happened to “Rain Man,” “Driving Miss Daisy,” “Forrest Gump”?
Whatever happened to interesting storytelling for the sake of the story instead of social change? I guess I can hardly talk, since I haven’t actually seen these movies, but I don’t even really want to.
I am in the mecca, and no one’s really even talking about a feel-good movie or a great story. I probably also shouldn’t tell you that the next movie I plan on seeing is “Final Destination 3,” so I’ll just keep that to myself.

I watched Jon Stewart’s monologue (on gorillamask the day after), and he alluded to box office numbers being down, then following it up with a mention of piracy on the rise. There’s probably a suggested correlation in Hollywood’s mind, but I honestly don’t think it is. I wouldn’t watch “Munich” if Spielberg gmailed it to me as an mpeg that started playing on its own.

If you ask me, either the Academy is getting too full of itself and no good movies are getting considered, or no good movies are being made anymore.
I think it’s the former, because in doing a little research for this blog, I realized that I had seen both “Batman Begins” and “Sin City,” both of which I considered some of the best movies I had seen in a long time.

Well, I’m losing sight of my original direction, which is this. Leave the agendas to politics. Or talk to Michael Crichton. I read his political agenda books because there’s a story arc and character development and all those things that film school keeps teaching these divas they don’t need, so they masturbate on a strip of film and call it “Magnolia”…or “Lost in Translation”…or “Sideways.”

Yeah, I know I probably had a bunch of people upset at me me with that last sentence, but I get upset when I have basic standards for a movie that aren’t met.

My expectations for movie content aren’t that high either. If my entertainment needs can be met daily by a sass-talking teenager who slays vampires, then I wouldn’t say I’m asking for too much. Well, Joss Whedon is a genius, so maybe it is. Let’s lower that to saying that my entertainment needs are also met by a Spanish-talking Dora who is an Explorer, and I don’t think that’s asking for too much, either.
Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!

Good stuff.