RAVENLOONATIK.COM

Hello Kidneys…
Imagine my surprise when I heard that I was featured on Opera Bits in line to win an Opera T-Shirt.
Well, I’ve won the T-Shirt I guess !! w00t!

The Ultimate Blog
If you have a favorite blog that you couldn’t live without reading, within or outside the community, then write in and let us know about it.
Each month we will select two entries to be published in Opera Bits with winners receiving an Opera t-shirt.

The Caption Below reads:
Blog name: Raven

Ever wondered why most smokers find it hard to quit the habit? Raven gives the community a humorous insight into why he can’t quit. A Blog that you must read regularly.

If you’d like to vote for another one of my blog entries here –> mailto:blog-bits@opera.com?subject=Ultimate%20blogÂ

For those of you who do vote, thank you in advance for helping me secure another cool Contest T-shirt.

For those of you Lurkers out there…Â

Cheers!

-= Raven =-

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer.

I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly, asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he’s still gonna get it wrong.
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Happy 36th Birthday Baby! (You don’t look a day over 25… really!)

I really hope you like/ love your BD Gift!Â

Love Raven

Dear Sir or ma’am,

I just wanted to take a moment out of my day to apologize for the misunderstanding that we had this morning. In case you have forgotten I’ll recap the situation.

Me: Tall guy sitting in the seat near the door of the CTrain this morning at roughly 8:15. I was zoning out reading my good book and basically trying to remain blissfully unaware of the rest of the world. I hate riding the CTrain.

You: Got on around Heritage Station carrying a… well it looked like a hefty bag to me but maybe it was something else. I’m not really up on current fashion…

Our interaction began when you made it quite clear that you were going to sit down. Let me say that for the next few seconds my actions were ruled completely by my analytical mind set, and were in no way meant to convey and deeper meanings.
Upon coming out of my coma like daze and realizing that you had every intention of backing into the seat next to me, my first response was to initiate what the military refers to as Operational Risk Management(ORM). Which went something like this:

Step 1: Assess the situation
• There are two seats.
• Total estimated available space for occupation (4 ft)
• Subject A(Me) 6′0, about 200lbs, estimated spatial occupation (2′3″) with possible reduction of space due to my laptop case, to (1′11″)
• Subject B(You) 5′5″, 265lbs, estimated spatial occupation (3′6″)
• Total spatial occupation :A + B = (5′5″ – 5′9″)
• Final Calculation Available Space – Minimal spatial occupation = MINUS 1 ft 5 inches

Step 2: Predict potential outcome
• I was going to be very uncomfortable for the rest of the ride
• You would see that the physical limitations of the available space was insufficient for occupation and remain standing
• Verbal confrontation
These were the potential outcomes that I determined most likely. Let me just say that I don’t like strangers touching me.
It was nothing against you so option 1 was not one I liked. Let me also say that while I truly enjoy almost any verbal confrontation I’ve ever gotten into, it was a little early and crowded. I like my mornings quiet.

Step 3:
Determine possible solutions
• Block the seat
• Cowboy up and deal
• Stand up
Well blocking the seat would have been rude and I’m usually quite well mannered so option 1 was out. Broke Back mountain has really killed this expression for me so I’ll probably never “cowboy up” ever again. (Is that the saying you were asking about Sonia?)
And I, as I’ve said previously stated am not overly fond of prolonged contact with total strangers. This left stand up as the most promising option.

Step 4 : Implement a Solution
• Easy enough I stood up.

Step 5 : Assess the outcome
• You sat down and as my calculations had suggested the space that was left after you established occupation was insufficient without significant structural realignment to co-occupy that space.

That occurred within about a 5 second time frame. I was now standing and you were sitting. I didn’t expect thanks or anything but what came next I found just a little inappropriate.

You glared at me and none to subtly said “Yeah Whatever”. Now I don’t expect gratitude but I don’t accept attitude. I was doing you a favour here. Apparently you took my moving as some sign that I didn’t want to sit next to you. You could have just accepted the gesture. You looked a little winded anyway and looked like you needed to have a seat for a second, but no.

So what was the result of this interaction? We locked eyes for a couple seconds then you spend the rest of the ride staring at my shoes and I was staring at you with a “Say something else” gaze. This went on for some 10 minutes before we reached Olympic Plaza and I departed for the northbound train.
But I just wanted to clarify my intentions and apologize. Judging by all the squirming and the way you took a scientific interest in the floor of that train I can only assume that your morning commute wasn’t as pleasant as it could have been.

Probably my fault. Sorry…

Yours truly,
The guy leaning on the Pole

Lessons for Single Males, Females who are Single and wondering why they can’t hold onto a man or for friends who really need to see the light!

10. She’s Independent

No one wants a wife or girlfriend they have to babysit. Once in a while, like if she’s had a rough day at work, it’s great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can’t seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you’re suffocating, which is a sure fire way to get you running out the nearest exit. On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you, of course - then she must be a great wife or girlfriend.

9. She’s Intelligent

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. Instead of being the one in total control, you’ll find yourself trying to figure out what she’s really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers - or if she’s actually thinking at all. An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won’t let you get bored of her. Besides, it’s nice to have something to talk about between all that trapeze-hanging sex.

8. She’s Sexual

While we’re on the topic, a great wife or girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you’re into S & M and she’s more the “fluffy lingerie” type, that’s going to be a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page, or at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time. Of course, this doesn’t imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, stairs, the kid’s bedroom, or on top of the dryer - whatever the case may be.

7. She’s Beautiful

I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great wife or girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together - matching lingerie is a definite plus. You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn’t mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you’re allowed.

6. She Respects You

This is a biggie. Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with what you’re saying. And, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape or form. A great wife or girlfriend won’t ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.

5. She Lets You Be a Man

DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, coffee or poker night and all. If she’s a great wife or girlfriend, she’ll even bring you and your buddies a couple of drinks and make you some of her great tasting sandwiches. She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn’t deprive her of going dancing or shopping with her best friend, she shouldn’t expect you to give up the guys for her.

4. She’s Nagless

There is nothing worse than a nag! A great wife or girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. You don’t want a wife or girlfriend who will give you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally. However, if you’re married or live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you probably deserve it you self centred bastard!
This is a situation that nobody would let slide - not even a great wife or girlfriend… would you?

3. She Gets Along with Friends and Family

A great wife or girlfriend will not only help your Mom in the kitchen, listen to your Dad’s boring stories and hang out with your friends, but she will enjoy it. She’ll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won’t try to get you to ditch your best buds. She’ll actually empathize with your friend’s getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won’t roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she’ll be joining you guys when she gets off work. (yes, women like this do exist - a.k.a. my first wife, “No Clue”)

2. She Loves You

If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn’t try to change you is hard to find. Of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these. Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn’t seem to faze her either way, and she doesn’t really seem to care about what you have to say, she’s either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there’s no denying that she loves you.

1. She Makes You Want to be a Better Man

Stop making that face - and yes, Jerry McGuire was one of my favorite movies, any man who has a great wife or girlfriend will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man.
She doesn’t have to say or do anything; it’s just that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your friend, aquaintance, sibling or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so.
It’s probably love.
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If you’re a woman, listen to what I’m trying to tell you here… if it sounds like total gibberish to you, or you think I’m full of sh*t… you need to either grow up, or buy a clue.

So I figure, if you’re a Guy, and if you answer “Yes, she does that” to more than half of the ten points above, then you have a keeper my friend… hold tight, let her know you need her and when or if she tells you she loves you, make sure to tell her “I LOVE YOU MORE!” everyday.

Use this rating about your woman instead of the stereotypical male’s rating on beauty or body… this one makes more sense to both women and men….

And if my Lil’ MiNx reads this (and I know she does: because she takes an interest in most everything I do, whether she understands it or not)

Sweets… YOU’RE A NINE!! AND I LOVE YOU MORE!

Why I can’t quit smoking:

9) It tastes great. I can’t deny that the only reason I have kept up this filthy habit on more than one occasion when I would have been perfectly fine to quit, was the taste. It’s something akin the after taste of certain types of British food; light, airy, and somewhat charcoal-ish.

It really is cool. C’mon. How many non-smoking pictures of Sinatra and James Dean have you seen that are as cool as when they were puffin away on a good ol’ fashion, roll it up in your palm cig. The notion that chewing gum can still be a satisfying oral fixation as well as set you apart from the group is proved all but complete nonsense the second you try to imagine Frank dropping his A.B.C gum (rather than the cigarette butt) in his scotch and downing it at the end of the show. Not only is this the coolest way to end a stage performance when done with a cig, but dropping your gum into anything before swallowing it is just plain gross.

7) It keeps the weight off. I know I know, but seriously. There’s a reason supermodel Christy Turlington is skinny, rich AND has emphysema. Look at her bank account; you think she’s stopped smoking? Not a chance.

6) It makes the right people really mad. Think about it. Every upstanding authority figure in your life has persevered in vain to impart the foreboding knowledge of lung cancer on you from a very young age. As you get older, you realize that these authority figures are replaced; Teacher into Boss, Parents into Spouse, Priest into Doctor. All of these people, whether they be from the early or latter part of your life, would be equally offended by the knowledge that you just picked up another pack of Number 7’s. The added bonus is that by smoking and letting them smell it on you, you have silently and equally angered them as if you, say, came into work and peed on your desk, or went into the confessional and gave the Monsignor the finger, but they can’t fire you or banish you to the seventh level of Hades.

5) You get to meet really interesting people.

4) It is a meal in a box. For ten dollars, you can nix the next two days worth of breakfast, daytime snacks, after dinner ice creams, and if you’re really careful, eating anything past the time of 9pm.

3) It is a five minute vacation. Because the comp days and vacation time I receive from the office are often siphoned away by family events, weddings, funerals, and repetitive paternity suits, I have very little time to myself when I’m not supposed to be working. But, by stepping outside and lighting up, my mind gets a very well earned reprieve from the daily grind, and I don’t even have to get on a plane. And, unlike a chewing-gum habit, you can legally stop work to take a smoke break.

2) I have to give my money to the right wing somehow. Since I don’t drive an SUV, the amount of fuel I use (if used as the standard for every private citizen) would absolutely sink the price of oil per barrel. I know enough from my 11 days as a devout Buddhist to remember that everything good has, by design, a bad counterpart. Myself as the Progressive (the good), must learn not crush the Religious Right (the bad); rather, through hard learned self discipline, quell the storms your hateful bigotry causes and allow you a small amount of my income in the form of 20 Class A Cigarettes every couple of days.

And the number one reason is:

1) The day I permanently stop smoking is the day I get hit by a bus. I’m convinced, based on all of the events in my life thus far that the universe has it in for me real bad. Therefore, should I resolutely choose the straight and narrow path, the fates and the furies will smite me more than they ever have before.

This is not to say I will die, for that would be fitting. I mean, once they opened me up on the slab they’d say “Oh well. He was a smoker anyways, so he was already a walking corpse.”

No, I’d probably end up in a wheel char, assuming the Christopher Reeves role as ‘activist guy on wheels’, and never get another cigarette while everyone else around me smoked, because you know they’d never sell cigarettes to a guy who needs a machine to breath.