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Can anyone tell me how old Christmas is? Anyone? Two thousand years, give or take, right? Gee, who’s been reading their “No Child Left Behind” History Textbooks? Try f*cking four thousand years! Twice as f*cking long as your little baby king has been around. How could that possibly be, unless. . . waitaminute. . . Christmas isn’t f*cking Christian.

That’s right, that Yuletide cheer you’re spreading? What exactly do you think Yule is? It’s the f*cking Pagan celebration of Winter Solstice. And those “Christmas” traditions? They’re not just “LIKE” Pagan rituals, they f*cking ARE Pagan rituals.

Way before your Jesus got all magical with the bread and fishes, the Romans were celebrating the birth of Mithra on . . . guess? Go on – guess.
December f*cking 25th. What a weird coincidence huh??!! Practically the whole thing is ripped off from the fucking Druids and the Romans. Twelve days? Check. Exchanging gifts? Check. Mistletoe? Check. And you’d better fucking believe that those decorated trees that Gibson and Co. are so bent out of shape over are as Pagan as the Rune and Crystal Shack at Pentagramfest 2005.
You might as well be building miniature f*cking Stonehenges in your livingroom.

Don’t you read your own goddamn Bibles? Jesus was born when? In the middle of winter? Okay… that’s possible.
Lot of Shepherds out watching their flocks around that time of year in Bethlehem? I doubt it….because they’d be freezing their f*cking asses off.

Tell you what – y’all go figure out which one of the different Bible stories about the birth of Baby Jesus® you want to believe, and then we’ll argue about whether it f*cking happened like that or not.

Christians just stole a bunch of traditions from other cultures, slapped them together, stuck a f*cking tinfoil star on top and called it the Most Important Holiday of the Year.
Actually, the the first national Christmas Tree was lit in the year 1923 on the White House lawn by President Calvin Coolidge.

Modern Christmas makes Michael Jackson look positively organic.

But every year you boys at the television stations still freak out about how everyone’s out to get your special trees. This is really the most important thing you have to talk about? Whether Domo Jump-To-The-Pump Jockeys say “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas”?

Well I’ve f*cking had it. You want to play bullshit games and scream about how God’s f*cking judgment is gonna come raining down on us if we don’t start watching our vocabulary?
Go right ahead. But let me clue you in on something: fire and brimstone is no deterrent for us.
We are NOT going to hell, assholes, we’re f*cking in hell. We live with YOU.

And f*ck Easter too, you fertility–rite–celebrating, whiny, self-righteous, don’t–know–the– history–of–your–own–religion assholes.