Archive for July, 2009
Smelly Tennis Balls - Is that Swalls?
I get this phone call from a slightly frazzled Customer Service (Refund/ Exchange counter) asking for some assistance.
This woman comes in and explains that she bought a package of three (brand name) green fuzzy tennis balls a few months ago, but lost her receipt (big surprise) and wanted her money back.
I ask her politely “Why are you trying to return them?”
She replies “She smell horrid… there is this putrid smell emanating from these balls! Here, ssmell them yourself”
I smelled the tennis balls and reply; “Ma’am… they smell like tennis balls.”
I’m currently biting my (bloody) tongue at this point… I respond:
“Ma’am… Without a proof of purchase it is store policy to only exchange for the exact product and we no longer issure store credit vouchers.”
“Well I don’t want these balls… I want my money back”
“Ma’am, as I already explained, I can only exchange them for the exact same product when you cannot produce a receipt or proof of purchase”
She replies (very indignant): “Well I guess I have no choice then. I guess I’ll exchange them then”
I call sporting goods and ask them to bring up another package of three tennis balls. They do so and when he arrives, I open the package and smell the new tennis balls. Of course they smell exactly the same as the ones she’s exchanging them for. I tell the customer this and she applies her so sensitive nose to the new balls and replies:
“SEE!!! These balls smell less sweaty.”
I reply, “Whatever Ma’am” (I secretly switched the original Tennis balls she intended to exchange and the newer tennis ball package) “Please smell all three of these to make sure you find them acceptable before you leave”
She smelled the balls (the exact tennis balls she said offended her nasal passages) and informs me that these are MUCH better and leaves “satisfied”.
1) Can you fucking believe such stupidity?
2) Can you believe she actually fell for the original switcheroo?
3) The definition of “Swalls” is Sweaty Balls
No commentsThings NOT to say you approach someone working in Retail
Things Not to say to someone working in Retail… I’ll relate these as though the “Retail Person” is working in an Automotive Parts department and these are stupid things customers say to me when they first walk up to me (or us)
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1) ”Excuse me… Do you work here?”
My usual response is: “Yes. What can I do for you?” but when I have had to field 20-40 of these requests over a period of 10 hours of putting up with rude, inconsiderate and (for the majority of the customers) completely moronic customers, I will usually let fly one or two of the following replies:
(Keep in mind I’m ALWAYS wearing a corporation issued collared black shirt with a very large Team logo on one side and 1″x3″ big Gold name tag on the other side of my chest)
**** “No… I’m just a huge fan and like hanging out here for 9-10 hours a day. What can I help you with?“
**** “Yes… and all I get at the end of the day is this cool shirt, neck tie and name tag. What can I do for you?“
2) ”Hey there!… Quick Question for ya…”
My usual response is: “Sure, what can I do for you.” Buuuut, when we generally help an average of 300-450 customers in a usual shift and the majority of them approach me with this opening line, I start getting cranky after the 200th time and respond with the following (sarcastic) replies:
**** ”I’m sorry Sir/Ma’am… there is no such thing, but I’ll listen anyway heheheh.”
**** “Quick answer for ya…. No.”
3) ”Hey there!… Can I ask a stupid question?”
My usual response is: “Of course!” Listen people… DON’T say this. It makes you look even more stupid to the person you ask this to.
You could use these retorts:
**** “Can I answer it while sucking on helium?”
**** “Would you believe we sell a meter for that?”
**** “Sorry… I’ve reached the maximum daily limit for those at 8:30 this morning and we opened at 8:00am.”
Feel free to add your one liner openers for more snappy or extremely sarcastic retorts.
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