Archive for September, 2009
September Status Musing
*** wishes that “mafia wars” would get into a turf war with “farm town” and all the mobsters and farmers would kill each other so I wouldn’t have to get anymore invites to fake shoot people or to grow some virtual celery.
*** says WITHOUT GOD…our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday, Shatterday. Seven days without God …makes one weak!!
*** wonders why they say you’re “sporting” wood. It’s not a sport; it’s a skill….
*** WARNING.. I am a Professional. I must insist that no one attempt too or recreate any status or activity seen on my facebook, serious injury could occur when trying to think of new daily messages.
*** is thinking when life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumarate, Yellow 5, Tocopherol and less that 2% Natural Flavors….then make lemonade!
*** without me you are just aweso…
*** is thinking why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
*** is wondering if vampires can’t cast a reflection in a mirror,why does their hair always look so f@#king nice?
*** has figured out hitchhikers don’t find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.
*** was eating at Hooters, and started thinking. If they had door-to-door delivery, would they change their name to Knockers…
*** thinks that with all the spam he gets abot penis enlargement, isn’t about time they invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead?!
*** has just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is completely invisible
*** hang on, I was a bit premature there, still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
*** says sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom
*** says Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words
*** is thinking once you start down that dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny. At least; that’s what Yoda says. I’m still testing the theory…
*** promises we’ll always stay close friends but ultimately settle for periodic glances at each other’s Facebook status updates
*** Today, my friend from work was saying how her ‘nano’ died. I quickly responded by saying “So? recharge it.” Turns out she didn’t say ‘nano’, she said ‘nana’. damn hearing loss….
*** The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal
*** says if it wasn’t for the last minute, I wouldn’t get anything done!
*** running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant “S” written on his Chest Yelling “This Looks Like a Job for…”
*** says show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat Minor
*** at the time of michael jackson’s death, the doctor looked at his watched and reported that “the big hand was touching the little hand”…
*** is thinking cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
*** “No comment” is a comment… isn’t it?
*** thinks some people are about as useful as a wiper blade on a goats ass
*** here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
*** has decided that a mans nipples are just for decoration
*** wonders if transsexual guys ambition is to only eat, drink, and be Mary
*** sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the eff was going on when I first saw it.
*** says life isnt a garden… so stop being a hoe
*** wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they’d wonder, “What the hell is wrong with that guy?”
*** two guys came knocking at my door once and said: “We want to talk to you about Jesus.” I said: “Oh, no, what’s he done now?”
*** thinks it’s funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes
*** is just dropped Smarties in the toilet and flushed……. it was like a 10 second Nascar race
*** A note left for a pianist from his wife. “Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”
*** says Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Giggle hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they’ll leave you alone
*** is so manly not even his sentences have periods
*** Atheism is a non-prophet organization
*** is off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of prescription medication
*** has realized that going to McDonalds for a salad has the temptation equivalent of going to a brothel for a hug
*** says if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty
*** remembers when “google” was a word used to describe the eyes on pom-pom critters back in Elementary school!
*** is wondering if its cool for people in China to get English word tattoos
*** The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again
*** This is a test of the facebook emergency notification system. Had this been an actual emergency, the entire message would have been in capital letters and you would have been directed to post this as your status message immediately. This is only a test.
*** should shout “You Lie!” in a Catholic church just to see what happens…
*** says wow… so thats why you don’t put metal in the microwave
*** is just heard about the scientist that wants to rename the planet Uranus because it’s rude. It’s true, Google it! I reckon that’s a damn good idea…let’s call it Urectum instead
*** Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year
*** How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes
*** just realized that if you change the word “wand” to “wang” in the Harry Potter books, suddenly the books become a lot more interesting
*** Have you ever wondered if the Loonies in your pocket were ever in a stripper butt?….You’re wondering now!!
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