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I had some good thoughts today about how you can recycle your old pair of shoes after buying new ones… Anyone who knows me knows that I can come up with the strangest damn thoughts… I think they’re rather good

Somebody out there came up with a cool idea or two to recycle the 4 litre plastic milk cartons… so good infact it sparked a huge TV campaign to advise Canadians to recycle them whenever possible…. There was a gazillion milk cartons recycled and prevented from entering our landfills… saving 1.5 square kilometers of ‘extra’ landfill space for the “real” garbage.

Anyway… back to my ideas… Take an old pair of basketball running shoes, place them strategically in your garden like a person is walking in it, unlace them, fold the tongue out and fill the shoe with nice potting soil and plant a (color coordinated) begonia or other hardy annual flower into the shoes.

You can reuse the shoe laces on a tall plant to hold up the flowers.

Ladies… how attractive would your 5-7 year old high heels (that you haven’t worn in 4 years because it gives you blisters in that certain spot, but won’t throw them away because you’r waiting to give them to your grandchildren in your will) and place the high heels behid the tall Celeosia’s.

Better yet, for the taller plants, recycle those CFM’s (Come F*ck Me pumps that you bought but only use them in the bedroom) and tie the shoelaces to them to make the plants sturdy in the high winds.

Well here’s my big idea… go out and buy a bright read concrete brick… and find one sheet of loose leaf paper. Scrall the following on the paper: “I cannot live my life anymore, I spend countless hours and resources recycling and I snapped!! Goodbye cruel world!”

Tie the shoelaces and runners to the brick and walk, bike, drive to the tallest bridge in your vicinity, find a nice precipice where someone can easily jump over and set the brick, shoes and laces down in front of the precipice but on the concrete.

My idea is waaay better idea folks… not only will the City recycle those shoes for you (properly), but it’ll keep the cops here busy for weeks!!! That’ll give the mayor more incentive to train, employ more cops for our fair city!!

Cheers!

Is asking those who believe in psychokinesis to raise his hand.
Has almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.
Is wondering about the speed of dark?
Is wondering how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Is trying to support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
Is thinking that hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Is sure he has a photographic memory. He just doesn’t have film.
Is using his Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Is intending to live forever - so far, so good.
Is thinking to join the army - join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Is dancing - Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Is asking who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Just got scared half to death twice
used to have an open mind but his brains kept falling out.
couldn’t repair your brakes, so he made your horn louder.
Is getting x-rayed - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Is eating toast- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Is itching - The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Is researching a paper - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
Is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Daniel is a sauvignon with a perfume of piña coladas, an overly sweet riesling and a chardonnay so oaky it tasted as if it had been aged in a box of No. 2 pencils

Daniel is running with scissors… makes me feel dangerous!

Daniel has too much blood in his caffeine system

These are some hilarious facebook statuses from O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Daniel is gonna pick up the pieces and retie the knot, mixaphorically speaking

Daniel is gonna lead us all in a rousing chorus of “You Are My Sunshine.”

Daniel is the only one that remains unaffiliated
Daniel is a Dapper Dan man!
Daniel is the only daddy you got! the damn paterfamilias!

Daniel is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man
Daniel is going to make hermit crabs live together
Daniel is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery
(From Jon Stewart)
Daniel is learning to stop worrying and love the bomb     (From Dr. Strangelove)
Daniel is gunter glieben glauchen globen   (From Def Leppard)
Daniel is… therefore he thinks

Daniel Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people

Daniel is getting time-off for good behavior
Daniel asks that you quote him as saying he was misquoted
Daniel has 20/20 hearing!
Daniel says, Oh no! Not another learning experience!
Daniel says, These aren’t the droids we’re looking for
Daniel wishes you a Happy New Now!
Daniel says, wake me up when it’s time to go to sleep
Daniel is carving watermelons on Halloween
Daniel is eating pasta with chopsticks
Daniel’s favorite color is Vanna White
Daniel is sorry he missed you. Stand still next time
Daniel is out of his mind, but feel free to leave a message
Daniel is wondering, is your coffee table decaf?
Daniel is dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange
Daniel is wondering if he hops in the shower, is he turning into a rabbit?
Daniel is thinking of a number between 1 and 10
Daniel is shiny     (From Firefly)
Daniel is kekekekeke   (From Ellen Degeneres)
Daniel is all your base are belong to us.     (AYBABTU from gamer culture)
Daniel is run Forest, run!       (From Forest Gump)
Daniel is sleeping because he’s not nocturnal
Daniel is training to withstand sleep deprivation torture
Daniel is wondering when they invented the word neologism… what did they call it?
Daniel is showing his colleagues your profile and they’re all laughing at your picture
Daniel is pulling weeds is like getting a 98% on a test and then getting chewed out for the 2% you missed…    (Thanks to Alex K.)

Daniel has logically deduced, absolute knowledge corrupts absolutely, therefore he is giving up studying and sleeping

Daniel is presenting his thesis on “E=MC3: That’s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!”

Daniel is being interviewed on his new novel “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?”

Daniel is gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car”

Daniel is wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, “Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino”

Daniel is pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called ‘Kraft Cheese & Macaroni’”
Daniel is reviewing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book, Dude”
Daniel is a bit disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book “Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks”

Daniel is doing scientific research on “Gravity: The Devil’s Tool”

Daniel is celebrating the Cinco de Mayonnaise
Daniel says, It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t like you
Daniel is doing National Bring Your Hamster to work day
Daniel says, It’s a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot
Daniel is asking for your daughter’s paw in marriage
Daniel now knows the hazards of storing plutonium in Tupperware
Daniel is workin’ like a one-armed paper-hanger with an itch…
Daniel thinks its cheaper to fly to Old Zealand than New Zealand
Daniel wonders if one can cook pork chops in the toaster
Daniel says, save the whales! Collect the whole set!

I’ve had some requests to post some of my more unique Facebook Status lines. Some I have procured from some of my less than sane friends.

——————————————————————

Daniel is planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa
Daniel says, Muscle Shoals has got the swampers
Daniel wants to expand the NFL season to 162 games
Daniel is NOT fat…that’s his money belt
Daniel is a stereotype. I’m not wrong. I’m cuddly
Daniel is writing: Anachronistic Antidisestablishmentarianism: A Case Study
Daniel sees golf-ball sized hail! Grab your 9-iron and let’s go…
Daniel is: thinking Pandora didn’t think outside the box
Daniel brakes for unicorns
Daniel is the kid next door’s imaginary friend
Daniel wants an Orange Mocha Frappuccino!
Daniel served in the military under General Apathy
Daniel is trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon
Daniel found a shortcut for next week’s marathon
Daniel is revoking your creative license
Daniel is leveraging core competencies across the extraprise
Daniel, it turns out, isn’t a Jedi
Daniel’s hobby is collecting dust
Daniel puts the pro in procrastinate
Daniel hears a voice in his head saying, “hey, can I join in?”
Daniel needs to learn how to type with more than two fingers
Daniel is hammering out a wicked comeback
Daniel is Jack’s complete lack of surprise.      (From Fight Club)
Daniel is calm as a Hindu cow         (From Fight Club)
Daniel is so fly he’s growing wings
Daniel needs help watering the plastic flowers
Daniel is going through a shrinking spurt
Daniel can do astonishing feats of MENTALISM!
Daniel says, do me a favor, and don’t do me anymore favors!
Daniel suffers from uncontrollable falling down?
Daniel says, Absotively posilutely!
Daniel is taking a machete to the intellectual thickets of society
Daniel is learning the art of driving a giant, nuclear powered duck
Daniel says, cannibals are what they eat
Daniel is on a joyride to sanity looking for his marbles
Daniel’s train of thought has derailed
Daniel says, Shaloha!
Daniel’s mono isn’t getting better…it could turn into stereo
Daniel says, Space heaters make great house-warming gifts!
Daniel is flossing with angel hair pasta

Daniel has zero tolerance for lactose intolerance
Daniel wonders, chai tea vs. tai chi?
Daniel wants you to know, there’s a great juggler on the radio tonight!
Daniel is amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes
Daniel has a marvelous rack of spam recipe
Daniel is wondering, what does cheese say when you take its picture?
Daniel is on a crusade for Moorish dignity
Daniel is reading ASAP’s Fables

Ok, I found this roofing rant on the internet one day and thought I’d publish it PLUS my take on the whole thing:

The original Letter- Author unknown:

I hate it when you don’t show up on time. I hate it when you’re slow in returning my phone calls. I hate it when you point fingers at the builder, the architect, the supplier, rush-hour traffic, the weather, someone calling in sick o any other real or imagined cause of delays and screw-ups Excuses don’t cut it when thousands of dollars of my money are on the line.

I hate it when I have to pay you more than I expected. I don’ give a snot about the semantic distinction between an “estimate” and a “quote.” I want to know how much the job is going to cost before it starts. Yes, I understand that may change with changes in the work, but I expect to know exactly how mud those changes will cost before I approve them.

I don’t care how talented you are, or what you did for me last year, business is business. As long as I’m paying for your services, I’m the boss and you are my servant. I hate it when you act like you are the one doing me a favor instead of the other way around.
I am The Almighty…

My Response: Well… unknown author, I think I’ll call you Dick for the rant response… I find it easier for me to relate my thoughts to you if I have a name.

Showing up on time: I can’t speak for all roofers about showing up on time or being slow to return your phone calls… these are completely legit bitches I won’t touch. Rush hour traffic?? Come on Dick… YOU have NEVER been late for a job due to traffic?? The weather?? Are you kidding Dick? How hard do you think it would be to put a roof on your home when its pouring rain or snowing? This is Calgary you knob… We can have all four seasons in all four quadrants of the city in one day dude.

You hate it when we point fingers at: The Builder, The architect, the supplier: The ROOFER has to put a roof on top of a house that the BUILDER is building. The BUILDER has to follow a screwed up drawing an ARCHITECT drew on paper. The SUPPLIER supplies the products for the builder and ROOFER.

You whine and complain there are delays…

OF COURSE THERE ARE DELAYS! It’s an imperfect world Dick! One affects the other.

If there are no supplies the builder/ roofer cannot put anything on your roof.

Ok… I’m going to assume this ‘rant’ is directed at roofers and I’m going to assume that the house is built and is getting a new roof put on. That said, you are usually given an estimate cost because there are unknown factors involved.

Roofers go up to your roof and strip off the old shingles, shakes or what have you. They may encounter wood ROT on the boards, mold which leads to ROT, big ass HOLES in the roof that the BUILDERS may have sluffed off, not enough ventilation from roof vents. Sections of roof boards not properly secured to trusses etc.

These are things the roofers and sales people DON’T KNOW until the roof has been stripped. Now it doesn’ t take a rocket scientist Dick to figure out you have roof problems if you need a new roof put on…. The roofers don’t want to proceed until the homeowner knows what is wrong and how much it will be to fix it. The Sales people won’t tell you a fixed price, because these repairs can easily be in the thousands of dollars to fix PRIOR to putting the new roof on… we do that because any roofer worth their name WANT to warranty their work for YOU.

Sure we can just throw new shingles on the roof at the quoted price, but will your

roof leak like it did before? Of course it WILL Dick.

I don’t care how talented you are, or what you did for me last year, business is business. Yes it is just business. So given this rant, why aren’t you a bit more rational.

As long as I’m paying for your services, I’m the boss and you are my servant. Ummm NO Dick… You may be paying for a service and you may be a “boss” for a short period of time, but to assume we are your “servant” is nothing but a retarded statement that shows that you have a very small penis Dick.

I hate it when you act like you are the one doing me a favor instead of the other way around.
I am The Almighty… We ARE trying to do you a favor, by your roof not leaking either now or in the future… and yes Dick… You ARE THE almighty DICK if you fail to understand these more than reasonable statements.